i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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