I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
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tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize