you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
