So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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