i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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