you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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