...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
