fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
