if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
