Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
