So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
you made out with another girl for some wings
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
