So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
So squirting runs in the family.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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