my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
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I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
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I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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