Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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