Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
