i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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