Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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