i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
