we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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