We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
