He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
