One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
