Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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