My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
