come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
