I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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