I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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