Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
