I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
