If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The adults are the big ones right?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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