Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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