Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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