just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This is my gift to your gina
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
