i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
