when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i am craving dick and cupcakes
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
