Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
