I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
