Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
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