I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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