I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
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