Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
