Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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