o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
