I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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