Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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