Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
no. you can't hotbox the world.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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