am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
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