Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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