kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
