You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
