I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
