I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Jerry, you need to find god
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm getting married
To pizza
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
