Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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