Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize